This key is for the status of the profiles. Please don't change these yourselves; the mods will come in an change them to let you and the staff know what's going on with the profile. Thank you in advanced.
-- Standard -- Not Yet Rated -- Thumbs Up -- Accepted -- Thumbs Down -- Not Yet Accepted -- Question Mark -- Inactivity -- Exclaimation Point -- In Danger of Being Deleted
Hong Shao Long « Thread Started on Nov 3, 2009, 9:23am »
Name: Hong Shao Long 红少龙 (Means “Young Red Dragon”)
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Group: The Rebellion
Nation: Fire Nation
Bender: None Physical Appearance: Shao Long was about 5”4” tall, 55 kg, with light-tanned skin tone, dark brown eyes and black hair like his Fire Nation brethren. His hair hangs over both sides of his face to roughly frame his cheeks, long layer at the back that reaches down to the nape of his neck so Shao Long ties his back hair into pony tail at all the time. After martial arts training from small, Shao Long’s body is athletically muscular with strong legs.
In his neutral expressions, Shao Long's face is in calm, cool and quick-witted manner. His hands are rough since after his hard training which mostly on weapons.
Clothing/Armor: Shao Long wears yellow shirt with purple collar covers around his neck and green long sleeves , which reaches down to his elbows, as well as a flap at the beneath back of the shirt. He's also wearing brown leather bracers around his forearms. Wearing olive pants and light thin metal shin guards around his shins, Shao Long also wears straw sandals with white socks and yellow sash around his waist. He also ties his family pendant around his sash.
Weapons: Qing Long Qiang (Azure Dragon Spear) - Qing Long Qiang is the separetable spear that Hong Shao Long carries. The spear is about 3 feet when it is combined, with leaf-shaped sharp blade and white tassel lashed below the blade. When not in used, the spear can be separated into two sections. Sometimes Shao Long can separete his spears for his non-lethal combat.
Jianghu Jian (Sword of Rivers and Lakes) - Jianhu Jian is the sword that Hong Shao Long often carries. The sword is about 73 cm long, with double-edged blade. Its hilt protects the hand from an opposing blade. The shape of the guard can be described as short wings pointing forward, and the blade was made from steel. The hilt of the sword and sheath is green, and there is a bronze cap at the end of sheath’s base. Shao Long always places his sword at the back of his waist.
A small pouch of iron pellets A small pouch of iron pellets for Shao Long range attack. Although they just simple small bunch of iron pellets, Shao Long uses them to shoot his opponents from his middle finger. At first he places one iron pellet between his middle finger and his thumb, and then Shao Long "shoots" by pushes the pellet with his finger full-force to his opponent, temporarily stunts him or for disarm usage.
Personality: Hong Shao Long is a virtuous, diligent, cooled and calm warrior. He is always courageous and heroic, facing impossible odds in stride. Shao Long is normally polite and modest to anyone he meets. Empathetic with the common folk, he easily gains the people's trust and support. Sometimes Shao Long's anger cannot be tested, as his wrath is more terrible than a dragon's fire.
Despite his young age and physical traits, Shao Long was gifted with great intelligence which suits him to become a tactician as well charismatic as a leader. He often respect elders and those who are older than him, seek advices from them. Shao Long cares those who are close to him, especially his sworn brothers Song Jian and Yi Qiang, as well as his trusted friend Shan Rou. In battle, Shao Long considered as a fearless and ferocious warrior.
Among the sworn brothers, Hong Shao Long considered as the eldest because of his intelligent thinking, charismatic speeches and fair solutions.
Background: Born in Shu Jing, Fire Nation. The infant's whereabouts are unknown but he was found wrapped in a cloth along with a jade by a martial artist Lian Jin in the forest of Shu Jing when he was hunting. Lian Jin, take the young infant back to Shu Jing and nurses him, later named him as Hong Shao Long. Since as a child, Lian Jin trains the young boy about martial arts, way of chivalry and righteousness, as well as weapons. It was a hard training but young Shao Long endures the sufferings, and Lian Jin believes that the young boy could becomes a virtuous warrior one day. As he turns into a young adult, Shao Long becomes an independent warrior. As Lian Jin have nothing further more to teaches his only adopted student, he decides to tell him a great secret that only told to Shao Long.
Lian Jin is part of "The Rebellion", lead by a Fire Nation count Chu Ye Ling, against the Firelord Ozai. Lian Jin used to serve under Ye Ling when he was young Fire Nation soldier during the war. Since few years after his retirement, Lian Jin was approached by Chu Ye Ling again, and asks him to join the movement to overthrow Firelord Ozai after his son's death. Lian Jin understands his former commander's feelings and his loyalty never dies, he joins into Chu Ye Ling's movement known as "The Rebellion". Soon after that, Lian Jin joins the anonymous aid that sent by Chu Ye Ling to Earth Kingdom, and stationed there to train new recruits for the rebellion. After many years in the rebellion, Lian Jin was tasked to sent back to Fire Nation to collect intelligences, and there he met with Hong Shao Long when he was still infant.
Right now, Lian Jin gives Shao Long a scroll which tied with red rope along with a oriental dagger, asks him travel to Tachi Dai, a once great city which in ruins, located in Earth Kingdom, and meet with the rebels there and shows them the dagger. Before he set his journey, Lian Jin also give Shao Long another task; to find his true identity and family. Hong Shao Long nods and calmly left Shu Jing, begin his journey to Earth Kingdom.
After many months of journey-on-foot from Fire Nation to Earth Kingdom, Hong Shao Long finally arrive at the ruins of Tachi Dai. As he steps into the ruins, Shao Long was attacked by three unknown individuals. With the martial arts and weaponry that his master teaches, Shao Long uses his spear to overwhelm the attackers. To his surprises, the attackers was part of the Rebellion. Immediately he shows them the dagger, the attackers halt their attacks and approaches Shao Long. The attackers apologize to him and introduce themselves; Yi Qiang the skilled spearsman, Song Jian the skilled swordsman and Shan Rou, stealth specialist of Rebellion.
Since after the duel, Shao Long becomes neutral with the three and handed the intelligence to the head of the Rebellion. After few days staying in Tachi Dai, Shao Long was again approached by the three along with a Rebellion veteran. The veteran asks Shao Long to enters the Rebellion to overthrow Firelord Ozai and he agrees, because Shao Long also have a goal: To end the war between the nations, restore the peace. Since after that, Shao Long becomes part of the Rebellion and he was co-operate with the three who attack him in the first place.
The three get along with Shao Long very well since many years after he becomes a rebel, they fight with the enemies and raid on Fire Nation camps together, as if they were destined. Shao Long shares his brotherly relationship with both Song Jian and Yi Qiang, as well as friendly rivalry with Shan Rou. Later then, Shao Long, Song Jian and Yi Qiang decides to sworn brotherhood at Tachi Dai. In front of the altar, the three shows their cup of wines to the skies:
”We three—Hong Shao Long, Song Jian and Yi Qiang—though of different families and nations, swear brotherhood, and promise mutual help to one end. We will rescue each other in difficulty; we will aid each other in danger. We swear to serve and save the people. We ask not the same day of birth, but we seek to live, fight and die together. May Heaven, the all-ruling, and Earth, the all-producing, read our hearts. If we turn aside from righteousness or forget kindliness, may Heaven and Human smite us!”
After they got up and drink their wine, the two bow down before Shao Long as the eldest. Yi Qiang is the second and Song Jian is the youngest among the trio. Their brotherhood bondage never broke from that now on. Many years as the senior member in the rebellion, Hong Shao Long and his three friends keeps on raid, infiltrate, and steal supplies from the Fire Nation encampments.
Sample RP: The skies of the night are pretty clear at Omashu or so called “New Ozai” by others, stars and a moon is sighted above him. Standing on the edge of the building, Shao Long in his Soaring Dragon Stealth clothing is ready to infiltrate the building of Fire Nation army. Sabotaging the weapon supplies in the building is not an easy task, but the luck is in Shao Long’s side as no enemy’s special task force is sighted, especially the Yu Yan archers. Against his own kingdom, his own countrymen but Shao Long had no remorse, all he wants to do is for the good of the innocents, suffers under the iron fist of Ozai. No time for wandering in thoughts, Shao Long jumps down from the building and leans his back behind the wall, checking his surroundings, it’s safe.
Before he could proceed, Shao Long hears someone was coming and, not only one, but many as he could feel their ki are approaching. Quickly hide behind the bushes, Shao Long patiently waits who is coming and wait they leave the place where he hiding. A group of normal Fire Nation soldiers, wielding their weapons and patrol in formation, there’s only six of them. The soldiers can be handled, but Shao Long fears that the attack would be useless and draws attention of the other enemies so the only thing he can do, is wait.
As the soldiers left the area, Shao Long safely comes out from the bushes. Look upon the skies, Shao Long dashes into the shadows, hoping to find the weapon stashes, and sabotages them by burning.
Jialing Ishvara The Rebellion Admin and Profile GMod Lord God Empress Queen of the World and 43 Dimensions[M:-355][M:-355] member is offline
"When all else fails, Dump it on Jia." - Rairii
Joined: Nov 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 278 Location: The Earth Kingdom Wilderness Karma: 53
Re: Hong Shao Long « Reply #1 on Nov 3, 2009, 8:58pm »
Popping by on a borrow laptop a correct a few things before we give you a full out review.
Please use our forum exactly as it is. The fields not only need to be bolded but underlined as well. Also, please remove any fields not apart of the offical form (I.E. The mics field you added at the end for themes).
Please do not split the information in to sections as if they were fields (I.E. the 'in public','Soaring dragon stealth clothes','early life' and 'training.') Please just write in paragraphs, like a book.
Finally, please use one of our established groups unless you plan on creating your own group (With which you will have to fill out a group application and have the group approved). Your character would be either a Fire Nation Citizen or a Fire Nation Soldier.
Thank you. Hopefully one of my boys will get to this, if not I WILL have my computer up and running this weekend. If I don't... then the USPS service is getting a kick in the ass.
Aden Devadasis S. & N. Water Tribe Warrior [M:-184] member is offline
Pain is temporary, Glory lasts forever, Chicks dig scars.
Joined: May 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 363 Karma: 10
Re: Hong Shao Long « Reply #3 on Nov 4, 2009, 10:03pm »
Name:
Age:
Gender:
Group: As Jia said, this should be one of the standard groups unless you intend to write up a profile for the Soaring Dragon. Honestly, unless you expect other people to join, it might not be worth it to make a group of one character.
Physical Appearance: Does he wear the back of his hair up high in a top knot, or just in a ponytail? Can you give a rough guess as to his weight? How about any other details on his facial structure?
Clothing/Armor: What do you mean by 'arm protectors'? Are you referring to bracers around his forarms, or something more like a full sleeve of armor. Keep in mind if he's in Omashu, he might want to blend in a little bit more with the local Earth Kingdom population... Wearing bright red and purple is a dead giveaway of his FN roots.
And it's been a general policy on this site to discourage people in ninja uniforms at all times. I'll address this in his background too, but know that we like to encourage people to be a little more creative with their clothing rather than the black pajamas.
Weapons: This section is going to need an overhaul regardless of the background. As a weapons enthusiast and collector myself, there's a few key things wrong here that can't be ignored.
I'm very weary about him having an extendable spear, but what would be the point of it if he has a sword that's over 6 feet long? (9 inches taller than he is, no less) If he's going for stealth, giant weapons like that are definitely not a good idea. He'd be better off with knives, daggers, shortswords, or something easily concealed that won't slow down his movement.
If you do want a collapsable spear, I would much rather it be in 2 sections that can screw together instead of telescoping metal tubes. It's much more feasible from the standpoint of being a usable weapon.
As for the sword there have never been, to my knowledge, any examples of 6-foot long double-edged swords from Asia. Greatswords like that seem to be exclusive to Europe. And either way, such giant swords were almost purely used as anti-cavalry or anti-pike weapons. For close up combat, they are definitely not ideal weapons, especially in an urban setting where one might be fighting indoors.
Personality: *Pending background revision*
Background: I'm going to have to address the overall history of this character before I start going into specifics. Right away, I can see that this character is supposed to be a classic hero ninja type character from a secret society of assassins. And that is, unfortunately, something we try to discourage because it's just too overused in this genre. Real assassins and spies didn't wear black pajamas and kill people every week by jumping off rooftops and killing them with giant swords.
This background is also notably missing a timeframe for all these events. I have no idea how old Hong was when he started training or when he left the Fire Nation or when he somehow took over this secret group. We ask that you try to keep your character's age in mind when he does these things, because sometimes it just doesn't make much sense for someone so young to be given so much responsibility when it's very likely there were other older/more qualified candidates for the job.
I also want to ask you to rethink some of the specifics of this character as well. For instance, why is a retired Fire Nation soldier living in an Earth Kingdom city? Gaoling is still under its own rule, and likely has no love for the Fire Nation. Why would they tolerate an officer of the military trying to destroy them to live in their town? You must also wonder why Lian Jin would randomly move in Hong and his father on another continent... What was so important about training Hong that he gave up his own living to do so?
Please also consider that there is already a Rebellion group on this site that is involved in most of the activities you're mentioning. They deliver intelligence on FN activity, disrupt supply lines, strike outposts, lay ambushes, etc... I would suggest looking into an affiliation with them before trying to create your own group of super assassins.
Jialing Ishvara The Rebellion Admin and Profile GMod Lord God Empress Queen of the World and 43 Dimensions[M:-355][M:-355] member is offline
"When all else fails, Dump it on Jia." - Rairii
Joined: Nov 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 278 Location: The Earth Kingdom Wilderness Karma: 53
Re: Hong Shao Long « Reply #5 on Nov 13, 2009, 10:44am »
I modified your profile to include the correct formatting for the profile form. (Fields both bolded and underlined). I also removed the size code from your RP sample. Please understand, We do not allow any sort of formatting in our profiles or the RP post except the standards (Bolding, underline fields, italics for thoughts.. bold for other people's comments etc. etc.).
Also, I did not remove the 'other section' but you will need to remove it. You can save the information for later on your own computer or in a PM, or move the information to a more appropriate area in the profile. We do not allow additional fields.
Aden didn't catch this stuff *Glares at Aden* so.. I just stepped in to take care of it. He'll be finishing out your review soon.
Aden Devadasis S. & N. Water Tribe Warrior [M:-184] member is offline
Pain is temporary, Glory lasts forever, Chicks dig scars.
Joined: May 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 363 Karma: 10
Re: Hong Shao Long « Reply #7 on Nov 18, 2009, 5:44pm »
2nd review coming up...
And a side-note before I begin: I get a subtle feeling that English might be a second language to you, and if that's the case then let me know because there is a number of grammar mistakes throughout your profile. I can be more lenient if there's a language issue, but otherwise I'll start cracking down a bit on some of the more noticeable spots.
Appearance: Still didn't really answer the questions from last time. Does he wear his ponytail up high, something like Zuko had in season 1 of the show, or does the ponytail start more toward the base of his neck? Also, talk more about his actual facial features, not his expression. Expressions can change, but his nose can't get any bigger or smaller. Does he have bushy eyebrows or barely vidible ones? How about his jawline or chin? Describe it as if you wanted someont to paint a picture of your character just from this section.
Clothing: I may not have good fashion sense, but even I have to raise an eyebrow at the purple color... >.>
But aside from that, give a little more detail on the layering here. Does Hong wear his bracers and shinguards under his clothes or over them? How well do his clothes fit him? Are they form-fitting, tight, loose? Does the hem of his shirt hang well below his waistline? How about any buttons or toggles along the front of his shirt?
And what is this family pendant? How big is it? What's it's shape? What material is it made of? And how you you mean it's tied around the sash... like a belt with the pendant acting like a buckle in the front? Or is it dangling off the side of his hip like prayer beads or a rosary?
Weapons: Specify the method of attachment for his spear. Does it screw in like a threaded bolt, twist and snap with some other sort of mechanical rigging? Threaded ends would likely be the most solid for combat. Also, shortening the spear doesn't make it any less lethal... unless you're implying that he fights with the butt end of the spear when it's in half. One more note on this, but you say it's 3 feet long when it's combined... Do you mean that each section is 3 feet long, which makes it about 6 feet long total when it's actually being weilded as a spear? Otherwise what's the point of such a short spear when he already has a similar-length sword?
Is this sword supposed to be a jian ? If so, then it makes it clearer just to refer to it as such. Though in this case, I'd call it a Short jian considering it's only ~28" long.
Iron pellets are fine, but about how big/heavy are these things he's flicking? Keep in mind that if that is indeed his method of attack, he'd better hit someone in the eye to really do any harm. Anything bigger than a small ball bearing and he'd be better off just throwing them normally.
Background: (Input for this largely from Jia. Also, be sure to make sure you read the latest info on the Rebellion as their group profile was updated last week.)
Right off the bat I'm gonna say No to being an abandoned baby in the woods... I know that Hong would never know who his parents were if this happened to him, but that doesn't excuse you from not knowing. Who were his actual parents? WHy would they take their baby all the way into the woods and then leave him there to die? (Because that's 100% what would happen to a baby purposefully left alone in the wild) If you're determined on Lian Jin finding him on his own, then you have some serious explaining to do before I'll allow it.
Jia: Now, we need to know about his child hood. I don't care one lick about his training. Half of the profiles we get are just training, training and training. Sorry, but Avatar is not all about fighting and neither is Feng Shui. Tell us about his guardian, who raised him. What kind of infant and toddler was he? What did he like as a child? Did he help out around the house? Where did he live and what sort of home did he live in? (A forest.. really? Why not a village.. or a ciry? Where a martial artist would actually have clients to teach?) What was his education like? Did he attend a public school, a private academy or was he taught at home? What friends did he have? What games did they play? Chores? Siblings (Blood-related or not)?
As for the rebellion, I want to know how YOUR character joined, not Lian Jin. The character will also not know who Chu Ye Ling. Unless you are a high ranking member of the Rebellion's Fire Nation force, which is as stated in the Rebellion's information: Nobility, you will not know. Lian Jin would know this. It's highly imperative that Chu Ye Ling's identity be kept secret as the whole rebellion us built on it.
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you read the Old Rebellion Infomation. Well.. It's been updated and re-written, something Jialing was working on for a while. There is no training of Earth Kingdom Rebels anymore, especially not by Fire Nation (The EK Rebels barely trust their FN supporters as is..). It didn't make sense in the first place. Anywho. It's been updated, please take a look. As for the training, that's not in the new rebellion's write-up. The Earth Kingdom Rebels do not need training. This isn't a formal military group. It's a rag-tag group of people from all walks of life who are trying to disrupt the Fire Nation Army, not defeat them. That's for the Earth Kingdom Soldiers to do. All the Rebels want to do is discourage and disrupt and potentially drive the Fire Nation away from certain areas. It's really not a military group. Plus.. this whole paragraph deals with Lian Jin.
The whole thing with the dagger is also going to need to be removed or explained in greater detail. If it's supposed to be some secret sybmol of the Rebellion, then that's something you'll need to clear with me (Jia).
I don't mind if you give him friends and all. I don't mind if they're rebel as well, but you need to realize that the Rebellion is not an organized military force. Some groups within it have more organization than others, and may have actual divisions of forces. Also, you need to give him a reason to be in the Earth Kingdom; also he needs a reason to have anything to do with the Earth Kingdom Citizens. Rebel or not, the Fire Nation and the Earth Kingdom are enemies. The Fire Nation Rebels just support the Earth Kingdom Rebels and work from within the Fire Nation to bring their goal around. Remember, as you read the rebellion rewrite that they aren't really after an end to the war. They still think they're better than the Earth Kingdom.
In addition to this I'd also like to add that you consider why Lian Jin is living alone in the woods in the first place if he is supposedly assisting with the Rebellion. The Fire Nation's member are not actively attacking military outposts or supply lines on their own soil. They're using Earth Kingdom pawns to fight the war effort far from the homeland. If people started getting assassinated on their own soil and bases started getting destroyed, that would raise awareness that the Rebellion is being led by people from the Fire Nation.
So why is Lian Jin alone in the woods? And why, if he finds a baby, would he decide to raise it on his own instead of searching for foster parents or an orphanage? He's apparently involved enough in these clandestine goings-on to know some higher-ups, so why take on a child when it could compromise his mission? These are the sort of practical issues that are hard to ignore.
Avatar: The Last Airbender and all related logos, titles and characters are trademarks of Nickelodeon and Viacom International Inc.
Avatar: The Last Airbender was created by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko.
-- Standard -- Not Yet Rated
-- Thumbs Up -- Accepted
-- Thumbs Down -- Not Yet Accepted
-- Question Mark -- Inactivity
-- Exclaimation Point -- In Danger of Being Deleted
![[Search This Thread]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/search2.gif)
![[Send Topic To Friend]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/sendtopic.gif)
![[Print]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/print.gif)
Author![[avatar]](http://img692.imageshack.us/img692/4038/largeanimepaperscansdyn.jpg)
Logged![[image]](http://img682.imageshack.us/img682/6325/sigup.jpg)
![[avatar]](http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c225/imperialphoenix/Icons%20Sigs/Jialingicon-1.jpg)
![[yim]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/yim.gif)
![[msn]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/msn.gif)
![[aim]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/aim.gif)
![[homepage]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/www_sm.gif)
![[image]](http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c225/imperialphoenix/Icons%20Sigs/NewJiaSig.gif)
![[avatar]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v315/Moldycherry/Adenicon2.gif)
![[image]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v315/Moldycherry/Adensig2.png)
![[image]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v315/Moldycherry/Waterboystamp.png)