Teiú Pirangaetê

[Teiú]

I finished this one now. It may have some grammar errors and stuff but it is because i finished this one in a rush. The sample is here too (it is a bit long but i needed too). (im sorry Aden. I fear that, to be fully understandable, you will need to read it all) I need to go so it is all. Thanks


Sample RP:
Teiú was almost reaching his house. Peering back he could see the Kasui house exploding with flames. When he got to the door of his house he perceived that he had got out of the house wearing his pajamas. His chest was hurting him, both from the run to his house and the bad feelings of letting the Kasui family behind. He could still remember Kangiro and Kai saying that he was the trustworthiest friend of the family, that they considered Teiú as the very son of Kangiro and brother of Kai. The tears falling from his eyes made seeing difficulty.

When he entered his house though he could distinguish the young female that was inside the dark red cloak. But what was Seung-Ha doing in his house? He then saw his fathers inside his room, taking things and putting inside a backpack. When Seung-Ha saw him she jumped into his arms. Teiú, without understanding what was happening, gave a semi-hug on Seung-Ha.

“When your fathers said you headed to the Kasui house I got in panic. Teiú, to be fast, my father is going to kill you after he deal with the Kasui Clan. I got here to warn you to run, to flee from here.” Said Seung-Ha in a desperate way

“What… why… I mean… why?” Asked Teiú in confuse way.

“He knows you and Kai were good friends and you used to visit the Kasui clan. He thinks you are involved in the plans for conquering the base. The plans that that girl Kaila revealed to my father.”

Teiú’s eyes widened up. “Kaila” he thought, “she betrayed her own blood”. Without having time of doing a reaction Teiú’s parents came from his room with a backpack in hand. Warning that Teiú should get in a hurry to flee from the village they pulled Teiú inside his room to wear clothes for travel

In an obligated and rushed way Teiú started to wear himself. When he was done and got outside the room he realized that his family made a backpack for him, but not for them. “What are you doing, are you not coming with me?” Asked Teiú to his parents “No, I can’t lose you, not you two” continued him. To that they replied that they would slow Teiú down and that he should not worry about it as they would come to a plan to try to save them from captain Hara. At this point Seung-Ha got Teiú’s arm and pulled him out the house. She showed him an ostrich-horse, at Teiú’s house door and explained that she had got it at the base. “I don’t care if you are against war or not, what matter is that I love you and I can't see you die here, at my father’s hands”. As Seung-Ha said that she put an object at Teiú hand. It was a dragon ornate dagger, inside a small peace of leather. Teiú’s parents came and hugged him, as Seung-Ha did. Teiú was static and confused with the sequence of happenings. His hearth was beating hard into his chest, sweat coming down of his face and tears shedding from his eyes. However, Teiú could not sense all this, he was too dazzled to perceive those natural body reactions. Realizing so Teiú’s father caught Teiú in his arms and threw Teiú at the ostrich-horse’s back. Seung-Ha made the animal run and so Teiú got outside the village.

A heavy rain had started at the beginning of Teiú’s confused escapade. A good thing as the soldiers would not gave chase on Teiú at a stormy night like that.
Under the black clouds and the heavy rain, between the sounds of the thunders, Teiú started roaring. His body was feeling a pain so hard to bear that he couldn’t stay in a riding stance. Semi-unconscious he whispered to himself: “I lost… two families… and a love tonight… and for what?… for Fire Nation Pride?” Shouting, he kept on “IT IS FOR YOUR PRIDE FIRE NATION? IT IS FOR YOU OZAI?… NOT, IT IS NOT, IT IS FOR A STUPID WAR THAT STARTED WHEN I WAS NOT EVEN BORN… IT IS FOR THE STUPIDITY OF MEN AND THEIR AMBITIOUS PLANS…”

And under the rumbling noise of thunders and feeling the rhythmic steps of the ostrich-horse Teiú fell to unconciousness.

[Teiú]

Bumping Teiú's Stinky Poem:

Once again i post
Something else for the guy reviewing
About long profiles this one is my most
This could bring him an awful feeling

Though Aden is freakin weapon lover, he is fine
A guy that can fight, cut, crush and jump
But i better watch out my line
Because he is my reviewer and it is to him that i do this bump

[Teiú]

Too tired for another stinky poem... (it is in my blood though, i cant hold)

*Aim in the head and strength in humps*
*Charges forward and then bumps*

[aden]

I'm now a little confused about Teiu's early living situation. It seems like his parents are no longer separated, but now I'm wondering what his family conditions were like. Is his father a soldier at the base, or is he just a villager in the mountain town? In either case, it seems strange that he would be schooled inside a military facility. Also, why is it that all the other children are living on the base? If they are sons of the soldiers, wouldn't it make more sense if they lived with their mothers in the town?
---
As for the whole Kasui Clan, I'm very hesitant to allow something like this. A single family would have almost no military power whatsoever, and it would be hard to raise any kind of opposition to the army. And unless, for whatever reason, their family was important to Sozin, he seems like the kind of man who would have every member of the family killed or imprisoned who spoke out against him.

And even after three generations, there would still be nowhere near enough members of this family to pose any kind of threat to the Fire Nation. I can't imagine Sozin or Azulon even allowing them to have any control over the soldiers stationed in the base other than to request some men to help keep the coal miners in line.

The last part about helping the Avatar and planning the invasion is something that I just can't allow. The Avatar has only been unfrozen for about 6 months by Feng Shui's timeline, and even when Zhao was chasing Aang he had no idea where to find him. How could the Kasui clan possibly have any knowledge about Aang's plans or if he even intended to invade the Fire Nation?

I also see a problem that if Kagamisu was the only person still holding onto the belief that the war is wrong, wouldn't the Fire Lord have him killed as well if he didn't swear his allegiance? That, and he is only one member of the clan, while the rest of the surviving members all follow the Fire Lord. Would he even have enough sway over his own family to get their help in any actions against the Fire Lord?
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What was Teiu's relationship like with his own family if he spent all this time with Kai? Did Teiu's parents like the Kasui family, or did they think they were greedy aristocrats who horded all the money from the coal mines? And did Teiu ever tell his parents the kind of things that Kangiro taught him?

Did Teiu ever try to change Seung-ha's view of the Fire Nation? And did she ever tell her father that Teiu believed the war was wrong? I'm sure her father would be upset that his daughter's love interest is filling her head with lies.

Everything involving the Kasui family's destruction will probably need to be rethought. I'm not sure how a dozen or so members of a family can overthrow a whole military base, or how they would even find out about the Avatar's activity. Perhaps you can find some other offense for them to commit. Maybe they were purposefully slowing down the coal mining in order to try and starve the army's supplies, or maybe they tried to hire an assassin to kill Ozai.

Teiu's fate really depends on how bad the Kasui's crime is, so I'll leave that alone for now.

[Teiú]

Here it is Aden. Another upgrade.

For real, if i moved something out of place outside of background it was a line or two. The great changes however are in background. Teiú now have a connection with "The Rebellion". An apply is being made for him to get into "The Rebellion". However, i have a sad feel about my new upgrades. Perhaps i aint having much faith on my char (i adore the new plot where he is a rebel but i was so unsure of what i want that, perhaps, my typing became horrible and boring... well, just hopes not)

Once again Aden, thanks for your patience towards this profile

[Teiú]

Hey Aden. What is expected from here is a bump but then, it is not.

I hope you have not reviewed it yet. Happens that i will retype everything from the beginning. After that many updates i got pieces of text over pieces of text and i don't like it. Also, some things will be changed. But i will still follow the line of "The Rebellion".

I plan to finish it soon though. I may have broken the line already but i would like to ask some more patience toward it.

Really, Thanks for the work you have done so far

[Teiú]

Starting considerations: MAJOR UPDATE. Hi Aden. Last week i took a powerful gas and i retyped everything on Teiú. He is so brand new that i think it even deserves another coin flip (just kidding... it is the old Teiú but totally redone). When i mean everything however, i mean EVERYTHING. Just in case you wish not to read the sections you already approved then i would like to ask to you to read at least the small resume i will do:

Name, Age, Gender, Nation: For not to say i changed it all, Name, Age, Gender and Nation stays the same

Physical Appearance: Totally retyped. (still the same but now without all those "medium sized") I think it is a bit more realistic here.

Clothes/Armor: Totally retyped. Small things have changed in his clothes though. Not much different from the original however (hehe, more stylish)

Weapons: Totally retyped. Considerable changes in the sword inscription. Huge changes in the firebend and Iaijutsu. I guess i shown some uses and explanations to the Iaijutsu itself. Better read.

Personality: Totally retyped. I think it is less confusing than the last time. Also, this part shows a lot of Teiú's family relationship with him. Better read.

Background: Totally Retyped. Well... guess i don't need to say.

Sample RP: Totally Retyped. A small version of the last sample.

Final considerations: Well, i don't expect it to be free of errors, i just hope it is not too many (you are probably losing your patience toward it isn't? I know, I'm sorry). But i guess it is really cool now, i mean, from when i started it. I think i evolved a lot from my first profile and I'm not talking only about this RPG.


Perhaps, all this detailed reviewing made of me a bit more cautious. Thanks AGAIN Aden. Hope you feel like learning with me as i did with you. See you in next review

[aden]

Very nicely done, Teiu. This has to be the longest review ever given, but your determination is quite admirable. Congratulations, and at long last....

ACCEPTED!