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Post by Uhchakuhlak on Mar 10, 2013 16:52:53 GMT -5
So here's our first writeup for the site's ad. Feel free to give any input you have. This one is kinda long, but eventually, and some help maybe?, I can make a shorter one too. At the bottom of the page I posted the codes for using a link banner.
 Earth... fire... air... water... Only the Avatar can master these four elements, and with it, help maintain balance in the world. And so it was seventy years ago, when Avatar Aang and his allies brought an entire century of global warfare to a close. Aided by Fire Lord Zuko, they transformed the Fire Nation colonies into the United Republic of Nations, a land where benders and non-benders from all nations could live and thrive as one people. And its capital was named "Republic City". Now, it has been some seventeen years since Avatar Aang's passing, and his successor, a young Southern Water Tribe woman by the name of Korra, continues the legacy… ~ And so, we gladly welcome you to Feng Shui's rendition of "The Legend of Korra". Whereas the story is told of the Avatar and the world she protects, we tell the story of the peoples she intends to protect. Feng Shui's Legend of Korra is an intermediate level, English language, freeform, play-by-post role playing game. Yet we welcome various skill levels and play styles with a playerbase and staff willing to help as needed. Our applications are character detailed as we are a heavily character focused rpg, with original characters being the norm as playable canons weave in and out of their lives. Currently, our campaign is running season one/book one, but as per our site's tradition, we reasonably add, detour and deviate from the source. If you have any curiosities or questions after you arrive, you are welcome to speak with the staff or regular members at your leisure.
[url=http://fengshuirpg.proboards.com/index.cgi][img]http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c225/imperialphoenix/FS%20Renew/KorraBanner.png[/img][/url]<a href="http://fengshuirpg.proboards.com/index.cgi"><img src="http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c225/imperialphoenix/FS%20Renew/KorraBanner.png"></a> |
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Yahto
United Republic Citizens
Posts: 3 
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Post by Yahto on Mar 11, 2013 15:36:30 GMT -5
Mmkay. As per my critique in the Choi, this is how I think it might be more readable. It might also solve the problem of the ad looking long, though it won't shorten it much. Edits will be in red, cuz of the red marker and all.  Comments will be included (in bold and purple) along with the changes and comments, explaining my reasons for it and junk. -- Earth... fire... air... water... Only the Avatar can master the (Anyone familiar with the series will know which four elements you mean. Listing them at the beginning of the ad is pretty much standard practice, so that's okay.) four elements, and with it, help maintain (Might be too long a word in this case, but the only other word I can think of that fits is 'keep', and 'help keep' sounds just as clunky. This isn't a necessary change) balance in the world. It was seventy years ago when Avatar Aang and his allies brought a century of war to a close. (Being descriptive is nice, but those extra syllables just cluttered things up. Aided by Fire Lord Zuko, they transformed the Fire Nation colonies into the United Republic of Nations , (Might wanna replace this comma with a semicolon or a dash.) a land where benders and non-benders from all nations could live and thrive as one people. Its (Putting 'and' is unnecessary; I think omitting it makes the storytelling aspect flow better.) capital was named Republic City. (Why the quotation marks?)(Don't want too many commas here. Some people might mistake it for a run-on sentence.) It has been some seventeen years since Avatar Aang's passing, and his successor, a young Southern Water Tribe woman by the name of Korra, continues (Something sounds wrong about using this word, but I can't think what might replace it.) the legacy… ~ And so, we gladly welcome you to Feng Shui's rendition of The Legend of Korra (I prefer italics to quotation marks, but that's just a stylistic thing.). Whereas the story (Which story? The show's? Might wanna specify that cuz it seems ambiguous.) is told of the Avatar and the world she protects, we tell the story of the peoples she intends (Maybe 'means' would be better here?) to protect. (It seems somewhat repetitive to put "protect" twice in the same sentence.)Feng Shui's Legend of Korra (That's not our title, is it?) is an intermediate level, English language (Not to sound ethnocentric, but this ad being in English might be a good indicator that the RPG is too.), freeform, play-by-post role playing game. We (Why seem like we're making exceptions for people of certain skill levels when we're really not?) welcome various skill levels and play styles , (Don't want it to look like there are too many 'and's here, so adding a comma could distract from that.) with a playerbase and staff willing to help as needed. Our applications are character detailed as we are a heavily character focused rpg, with original characters being the norm as playable canons weave in and out of their lives. (This looks good enough to me, despite 'character' repeated so often. I don't see any harm into breaking it up into smaller sentences, though.)Our campaign is currently (Don't want too many commas, remember.) running season one/book one (I'd include one or the other, especially without that tacky stroke.), but as per our site's tradition, we reasonably (Seems ambiguous. 'Sometimes' or 'often' might work better.) deviate from the source material. (Might be best to just include the one word, because it can easily encompass the same idea as the other two words before it.)If you have any curiosities ('Comments' might work better in this case, mainly because it's more specific when included with 'questions'.) or questions after you arrive, you are welcome to speak with the staff or regular members at your leisure. -- Okay, wow. My commentary was a hot mess if I've ever seen one. I'll just repost it with (most of) the edits, but without all the purple and red. I might tinker with it some more, but that's how I think it would flow better. As I said in the Choi, just my two yuan... |
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Post by Uhchakuhlak on Mar 18, 2013 22:14:53 GMT -5
Dear Goddess--the colors! >.<
But I'm thankful for some critique feedback, just give me a few moments for my eyes to adjust. =p
I went back-and-forth as to whether or not add quotations to Republic City. Should it be something dialogue/statement or more like a name/location, I was trying to decide.
Having problems with that last paragraph in the intro though. You're hitting on part of the same problems I've been having. Still am. Part of me wants to scrap it and make a new paragraph entirely.
I think we might still be under the title "Feng Shui: An Avatar the Last Airbender RPG" now that you point it out.
Including language along with all the general specifics was me trying to cover bases. And I have run into RPGs with multiple language sections and one Avatar RP that had an English blurb ad but turned out to be in French.
As for making exceptions, it's because I believe we have made some accommodations in the past for other, both newbies and eventually long-terms like Teiu.
So here's another draft to hammer over.
Earth... fire... air... water...
Only the Avatar can master the four elements, and with it, maintain balance in the world.
Seventy years ago, Avatar Aang and his allies brought an entire century of global warfare to a close. Aided by Fire Lord Zuko, they transformed the Fire Nation colonies into the United Republic of Nations; a land where benders and non-benders from all nations could live and thrive as one people. Its capital was named Republic City.
Now, seventeen years since Avatar Aang's passing, a young Water Tribe woman named Korra continues the Avatar's legacy…
~
And so, we gladly welcome you to Feng Shui's rendition of The Legend of Korra. Whereas the show's story is told of the Avatar and the world she protects, we also tell the story of the peoples she means to protect.
Feng Shui: An Avatar the Last Airbender RPG is an intermediate level, English language, freeform, play-by-post role playing game. We welcome various skill levels and play styles with a playerbase and staff willing to help as needed. Our applications are character detailed as we are a heavily character focused rpg, with original characters being the norm as playable canons weave in and out of their lives.
Our campaign is currently running book one of The Legend of Korra, but as per our site's tradition, we often deviate from the source material.
If you have any comments or questions after you arrive, you are welcome to speak with the staff or regular members at your leisure.
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